How Far Would You Go?

Everyday I go back and forth on just how far I would go to have a baby. Last year, before I knew anything was wrong, besides the fact I was not pregnant, I said I would never do IVF, just fertility drugs and if that didn't work we'd move on to adoption. I tried to tell myself that I could never waste thousands of dollars on IVF instead of just moving straight to adoption. My insurance does not cover anything to do with infertility so this is a BIG part of my decision process. But then last week, I was all for IUI's, IVF's, whatever it would take.

Now that I did one round of Clomid and I didn't ovulate, I fear this cycle will be the same and then next month, the same. And then what's next? Is it bad that I just cannot picture myself pregnant, having an ultrasound, let alone giving birth. But I can picture myself adopting and meeting my child for the first time. I know I need to take it one step at a time, but I can't.

I even plan my life around an unconceived child. My best friend gets married in Hawaii at the end of September 2009. But now I'm thinking, if I was to get pregnant this month, I could go, but if I get pregnant December-March then I can't. But then i think I'm being ridiculous because i probably won't be pregnant at all! Who I am kidding pretending that I could be pregnant any time soon.

My best fried A' has been trying since the beginning of May to get pregnant. She's always been in shape and thin, so is her husband, and so of course she thought she'd be pregnant right away. Well after 5-6 months of trying, nothing. She's been using OPK's and I read in a book last night that the statistic that it takes the average couple 1 year to conceive is based on couples who aren't using timing methods or OPK's. Just good ol' babydancing a whole lot. So they imply that if you are using OPK's or BBT or anything along those lines, it should happen much sooner. So I worry for her. I think she's worried too and it doesn't help her best friend from college got pregnant her first month off birth control. I'm sure your wondering why i'm so concerned with her issues, but if it was me, i'd be at the doctors asking to have some simple tests run. I wonder if by slight chance I do get pregnant before her, would that come between us? Would we feel the need to censor what we say to each other?

So back to my question. As of today, I will go as far as IUI's (if that becomes necessary and a choice) but I think I'd adopt before moving on to IVF and then in a couple years come back to IVF.

Okay that is a ton of rambling........ I've become so obsessed with this baby making that it's all I think about.