The Endocrinologist Called........

So since the idiot nurses had no clue what they were talking about the endocrinologist called back to tell me, in his ever so blunt -non-empathetic way, that he wanted me to have a 17 Alpha Hydroxyprogesterone level test. This is a test that checks what is going on with my androgen level since mine was 345 when I got my blood drawn in August. Which is fairly high according to my ob/gyn and she didn't know what to do after she saw the number?!

The endocrinologists office is supposed to call me back and tell me when they have scheduled the test for. When they do that, I'll be calling the lab to see how much the tests costs. I do think it's a necessary test so I'll buck up and pay it. But here's the kicker.................

My endocrinologist said, "If the test comes back fine, there's nothing more I can do for you." And he had already indicated to me during my appointment with him that it's a very slim chance that anything is wrong, they just need to rule it because tumors on your adrenal glands can cause elevated androgen levels. But wait, go back to the "there's nothing more I can do for you." So what, I'm a lost cause at that point. WTF?????? My husband had just arrived home when I got this call and I lost it, I broke down and cried and he came over and gave me a huge hug and said he was really sorry this was happening to me. I just can't believe it. Remember when I had my first visit with him and I asked what we could do if Clomid didn't work and he replied "There are lots of things we can do." Of course I wanted details, he didn't want to give them. So now it's nothing. All options are thrown out the window!

Also, I read on the Fertilefile blog written by an RE that if you don't ovulate with 50mg, then 100mg of CLomid, it's highly unlikely 150mg will do any good. So my dilemna is, why pay for the ultrasound for this last round of clomid, take 150mg, then pay for another blood test and ultrasound if it's highly unlikely it will work! My thoughts last night were that I hold off until March on any more fertility meds while I try to lose at least 20 pounds and save up more money, at which time I'll fly down to Washington and go to a fertility clinic. I just feel like spending $800-1200 right now with my ob/gyn that isn't even a fertility specialist just doesn't make sense. But I do want her to put me on Metformin and I would like to do the glucose test where you drink that sugary drink and then they take your blood again to really see if I'm insulin resistant.

But then part of me thinks, I want a baby now!! What if one more round of Clomid did work? Or should we just start the adoption process?

Well after feeling like a pile of crap, I asked my husband if we could get out of the house so we went to see Zack and Miri Make a Porno. Oh yes, that is what I chose. I didn't want a serious movie or action packed and yes, it was as cheesy as it sounds, but I'm not going to lie, I totally laughed out loud for most of the movie:) Then we went to Barnes and Noble where I read gossip magazines and had a peppermint mocha. However by the time I got home I had a pounding headache and upset stomach and I tossed and turned for 2 hours in bed. Which is odd because I usually fall asleep in less than 5 minutes but I had so many thoughts in my head that I couldn't just relax.

Today is a new day. Today I'm the girl that is determined to lose weight and isn't going to worry about getting pregnant any time soon. We'll see how long this lasts.

So what's this test for? What's the name of it?.....uhh I don't know.

OMFG! The RE office just called and said that I need to go to the lab and when I'm there they will draw my blood, then put an IV in, then draw my blood, then I'll wait, then they'll draw my blood again and the whole process takes about 2 hours. WHAT??? So when I asked the nurse what the test was called and what this test was checking, she had no clue. She said maybe my cortisol level?!? So then she proceeds to tell me I can call the lab and ask them for more information. I asked her if they already had my name in the computer for the test and she said no. When I asked her what I was supposed to say when I called the lab she said she didn't know. I mean really, I'm supposed to call and repeat back getting blood draw, IV, etc. etc. and they are supposed to know. Hardly! Like when I get my progesterone level checked I could call the lab and say, "I'm supposed to get my progesterone level checked, what does that involve and how much will I be charged?"

Oh and the best part was when the nursed on the phone asked another nurse right there what the test is called and what they are testing she just laughed out loud and said "I don't know!" Really, is this that funny??? So end story, she'll have the RE, the idiot I already paid way too much money too, call me back himself. I know, I need to switch doctors but as soon as he tells me the test he's going to have me do, I planned on calling the endocrinologist my friend works for, that I'm probably going to switch to, and then meet with him after I have the results and too make sure he doesn't think it's a useless test.

I'm losing faith that anyone in my state can do what needs to be done with me. Everything just seems so unprofessional and like I'm not moving forward in the direction of getting pregnant.

I need to move the needle. Does that hurt?

Of course it hurts!! Ouchey!! I had my blood taken this morning, CD22, to see if I ovulated or not. I love the nurse that takes my blood. She is very sweet and very attentive to how the patient is doing during the blood draw. The first time she took my blood, all 5 vials, I immediately got dizzy and she grabbed me apple juice and let me hang out for about 5 minutes until dizziness subsided. The next 2 draws, easy peasy!

Today I ate breakfast, when in at about 10:30 and thought I was a champ at this by now. Boy was I wrong. She decided to go in the side of the crease in my arm and the blood barely flowed. So she said she needed to move it and did two times, with the thing still in my arm, and finally said she needed to take it out. I instantly started sweating, like all around my hairline, upper lip, back of my neck so she immediately asked if I felt I was going to pass out and I told her yeah, kind of! She called for the other nurse to get an ice pack and water for me. She iced the back of my neck to cool me down, gave me tissues to blot the sweat, and the nurse handed me some ice water. We agreed I needed to lay down and so she took me to an exam room and let me lay down for 10 minutes. She did my blood draw laying down and agreed from now on, this is how we'd do it.

It sucks too because I have no sign of ovulating so I'm sure by Thursday I'll get the call saying I didn't. I know, think positive. As soon as they say I didn't ovulate, I have to call the RE and get the tests done he wants me too. I'm going to be direct and ask how much these costs since I have to pay for them myself, no insurance coverage, and if they are a lot, I'm going to go see another RE (not this asshole) and go from there. They might say I need the tests, which is fine, but I'd rather here it from someone that is more considerate of my situation than this last yahoo:)

My husband gets back tonight from a 3 day trip and I sure did miss him!! It makes me realize that if we weren't married, I'd be sitting at home by myself dreaming of a man like him to come into my life. He's not perfect, neither am I. But we do genuinely love each other for all the right reasons, and silly ones like how I love his nice ass! He will be an amazing father and I just hope I can help make that happen sooner than later.

No O, it's time for a vacation!!

One thing my husband and I have been back on forth on is when to take a vacation because if we book it a few months in advance and I'm pregnant, will I feel comfortable enough to leave the country, will I be surrounded by alcohol and friends and feel left out, obviously won't be riding any rollacoasters. Well it's CD18, no "o" and I'll take a blood test on Tuesday to see if I actually did or not. Guessing I didn't :(

So..........it's a perfect time to go to Hawaii!!! I'd really wanted to go with my friend A and her husband B but we have both told each other we are trying to get pregnant since we went on vacation together in April and I just thought if one of us was pregnant by December, it would be hard on the other one so I decided I didn't want to go. Well I think we are pretty safe to say I'm not pregnant and won't be the first week in December, I won't even probably get AF by then so it works out perfectly!! And maybe it will be the last vacation where I'm not pregnant or a mother so we can go party it up in Hawaii!! We leave December 7th for a week in Kauai. Oh, and did I forget to mention A isn't pregnant yet either (she picked Hawaii so she could relax on the beach while she was pregnant) but it will be nice to see her and talk about everything but most of all have an AMAZING time!!

I hesitated because the money we are spending on the trip should probably be saved for the unknown tests and procedures that could come this year, but screw it! Plus, when we wanted to go but decided not to book the trip in May, it was 50% more than it is now. We found cheap tickets and the hotel room is now discounted. Unfortunately, I'm still fat and will still have to wear a bikini in less than a month so I have no false hopes that I will drop a couple sizes by then. But my goal is 10 pounds:)

Oh, and for anyone that thinks relaxing and going on vacation equals a baby.........not for this girl. I've been on many vacations and still no bambino!

Trying to relate but....

I post TTC videos on youtube and I welcome all comments. But recently there has been some that I just think.......really??

First one came a couple days ago. A 21 year old who has a 2 year old and a 10 month old wants to know how long my husband and I have been TTC and when my doctor prescribed Clomid for me. Why??? Because you really feel like you can relate to me and we might possibly be in the same position? You've had 2 kids and you just gave birth 10 months ago so it's fairly obvious you haven't been trying for more than say 9 months and you want some drug to speed things along? It's pretty obvious you have a good chance of ovulating on your own and sorry I don't feel compassion for you trying to have your 3rd kid before you are 22 years old.***oh crap, look at that, my true judgemental side just came out***

Next, the comment I got was that someone got pregnant after TTC for 5 years on their first round of 50mg of Clomid....here's part of the comment "Well, my Dr. put me on clomid in August. (50 mg) and now....I'm pregnant!!! Okay, this one is a little more relateable than the last one but ouch, it only took you one month? But at least she was encouraging to just keep the faith that it would work.

But when emotionally you are drained wondering why these drugs aren't working for me, why are we having such a hard time getting pregnant and then someone wants to give themselves a shoutout for getting pregnant, it's the last thing you want to hear.

But then I wonder when I'm reading other peoples blogs if they may think the same thing about me. I'm only into my 3rd month of getting help from an ob/gyn and right now it's only a little pill I'm taking when some are on to IUI's, their 5th round of IVF or even multiple miscarriages. I wonder if they have little sympathy for me. I hope not, but I appreciate when people give me other ideas to bring to my doctor such as "I took Clomid and Metformin." Obviously 50mg of Clomid did not work for me so hearing that it worked on someone's first try, it's like, how do you want me to respond to that?

On another note, I've gained 2.2lbs in 3 days. I have no idea why? Really, no idea. I've stayed within my WW points and I've exercised 2 times this week. So my food today will go something like this....skim milk, yogurt, an orange, McDonald's salad, carrot for snack, air popped popcorn, chicken and veggie bake, WW fudge bar, and extra water. I'm thinking possibly I ate too much salty or prepackaged food but damn!! Am I the only person that diets but gains weight??

Okay, enough of this poor me crap!

Is my CBEFM broken??

Really, it's CD 15 and still no "O" on the monitor. I took Clomid CD 5-9 and on CD21-23 I have to get a blood test to see if I ovulated because I should have ovulated one week before, so CD 14. Well there is no sign of ovulating. I just know I'm going to get that call next week that says, you did not ovulate. At least this month it won't be a call on my birthday:)

I'm such a pessimist right now, but really, I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. And that would mean she would do one more month of Clomid before exploring other options. The crazy thing is she hasn't even started me on Metformin but I read conflicting things about whether Met is necessary because I'm not insulin resistence, but if it doesn't hurt me, please, let me take it!! So I'll have to bring that up at the next doctor appointment.

If anyone is reading this and has heard great things about fertility centers in Washington, Oregon, California, please let me know! My gut instinct tells me that Clomid is not going to help and we do not have fertility centers in my start and no place that does IVF.

No One Told Me This Would Happen....

So after reading IF blogs for hours on end, how come I never came across the part where DH doesn't want to have sex on the day that you know you are probably ovulating and then you sit there crying because you've drugged your body up for a week now waiting for this one action to take place and it doesn't!

I found out early on when using OPK that telling DH that tonight is the night we HAVE to have sex let to performance anxiety which then led to me lying there silently crying in the fetal position. Last night we both went to bed at the same time and he decided he was going to screw around with his cell phone and play games on it (while I'm laying there debating whether to say "Put the damn phone down, we HAVE to have sex tonight." and risk giving him performance anxiety and taking any bit of romance out of it, or if I just lay there half asleep until I hear him put the phone down). I opted for just waiting until he was done playing. Well more than 10 minutes went by and I fell asleep. So I wake up this morning and am disappointed I fell asleep but decide that's okay, we'll just do it now. So all of a sudden he jumps up to go to the restroom and I ask where he's going. He tells me he has a bunch of homework he needs to get started. So I decided I couldn't not tell him, so I told him we needed to have sex. He got up and went to the restroom, no biggie, but then he proceeds to take a 20 minute shower (about 10 minutes longer than his usual shower). I was pissed. And about ready to just lose it so I left the bedroom and came to my home office where I proceeded to cry my eyes out. About 30 minutes later he comes up and starts rubbing my shoulders asking what I'm looking at on the internet. WTF??? I thought I'd at least get some lame excuse why he decided he wasn't going to have sex.

I'm so frustrated! How did this happen. How can he be so selfish! If you've ever been on Clomid or had a transvaginal ultrasound, you know that you aren't doing that crap because it's fun and a nice way to spend a sunny fall day! And he has one simple job with no drugs involved.

Part 2- He just came in to "see what I was doing." I'm crying my eyes out and trying to remind myself that it's him too that wants a baby, that's what I'm fricken doing! I explained to him what happened and he says I should have initiated something with him last night. I reminded him I've been there, done that, and if he really thought I was going to rip the cell phone out of his hand and say "Give me some lovin" and then have him not perform he is so wrong! So I said, "Fine, what about this morning when I did say we need to have sex as you jumped out of bed. I'm sorry if I didn't know that a normal reaction would be to go take a shower for a really long time, go to the bathroom, brush your teeth, put on some moisturizer." Really? I'm so pissed right now I can't even stand it.